Do you remember:

The first time we made love?

The first time we kissed?

The first time we met?

The first trip we took to Biloxi?

The first trip you took with me to Atlanta?

The first time you got me up on Mt. Cheaha?

I do and so much more.

I remember the woman I love having a heart as big as all of Alabama.

That same woman making it known who she wants, needs and desires to be with and belong to.

I remember the many times we made love until the sun came up and the moon went down.

I remember the many nights we spent in various places of Alabama making love in so many different ways.

The many hours we spent in Waffle Houses just talking like nobody else was around us.

The many nights/mornings we talked on the phone for endless hours.

The time we were in Biloxi at the casino and how we were like children ready to go, back to our room and make love like there would be no tomorrow.

I remember the time we ate at IHop and how the food was, the waitress and of course who forget the other customers.

I remember how I would look at you and tell myself how lucky I am to have such a woman as you.

I remember how close we became in 07'.....I miss that so much.

But now, I wonder if things have changed so much that you even want to talk to me, let alone still want and desire me in the same way. I am not so sure any more because of how things are going for me.

I am here at this river front home at least 5 nights a week and yet, you still have a problem calling me. My numbers have not changed, nor will they. I have no desire for the double life I am leading right now.

Be it bad or good for me, I just want this nightmare of the last 2 years to end. To let me move forward to whatever is in store for me.

I know the outcome could be bad, but I must believe….I must.



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Well seeing it has been a long time since I last tried to put my thoughts and feelings into words, I find myself in a somewhat mindset to write. At least this can't or shouldn't hurt anyone.

I last wrote that my legal situation had gotten worse or was it better? Hell, not sure anymore to be honest. In fact, nothing I can think of has gotten any better. Just that my mood, emotions and mental state has gotten numb to almost everything now.

The damn legal system seems to be having fun dangling me on the end of a string like a puppet. Now I am told that my trial date is for the first of the year. The wheels of justice spin alright, but I am thinking they are stuck in the mud somewhere and not a wrecker in sight. My nerves are about shot, my temper somehow seems to stay fairly well in check, I think. My outlook is growing more and more downward rather than upward. My mental state, if I even have one anymore, has gone from fair to desperate now. Mood swings, oh hell yes! Like a rabid dog chasing its own tail.

I spend most night in hotel/motel rooms for my job, but all that does is give me a small diversion to what really is going on in my life. I stay very busy, thus so, that I completely lose track of time while working. Not hard to do having only one brain cell and that one is so damn tired of everything. Hell, can't even maintain a decent thought pattern anymore. I talk harshly to those that love me, those that have been there for me many times over and I can't even do the same in return. Not for the lack of wanting to, just somehow unable to. Am sure someone will make some interesting remarks for that one.

Not trying to feel sorry for myself or even looking for anyone's sympathy, but just trying to air a few thoughts in my mind.

Stopped by and finally read several days worth of emails and found a couple from a woman who was, has been and is very special to me. Even though she doesn't think so. Says that she has never been nor will be. I just can't find the ways to let her know that she is. Like was written to her by a close friend, military training puts you in a mood or mode that drips self preservation to the point where you push everyone and everything away from you to keep from having "Friendly Fire" sprayed upon them. To protect them as it was. But in the process you have the tendency to lose those very people you try to protect. Insane?? You damn straight it is! But I do not know how to stop it or even explain it. I just hope her friend made a point with her. Of all of her friends, this one is probably the only one who has not bashed me with everything that is going on. Not sure if she has been told everything anyway.

The feelings of loneliness, being casted out, being damaged goods, rotten apple or however you decide to describe it has gotten to me.

My fears have been reinforced and trust of others has been, how can I
say, pushed back by the wall I have built. And this time it is so high, I do not know how I can take it back down again. I do want to, but don't know where to start with it. Well, yes I do know where to start, but after the amount of time that has passed since we have talked or seen each other I'm not really sure if she would even care to.

You see my fears and mistrust go back much further than just a few bad marriages. It goes back to a very bad Mother/Son relationship that I will not go into here in this forum. But, just the same it still hurts and grows deep inside me. Yes, I know one day it will come to the surface. I will deal with it then, in my own time and place of choosing. This is not either one right now.

My focus continues to remain on the fact of what is happening to me with the legal system.

I have cruised the web and found a few, ok many, remarks made towards me and so wanted to leave "Hate" messages, but didn't for not wanting to stir the proverbial pot as it was. But yet I read things and try to take it with a grain of salt. Yes the wounds are there, but what am I supposed to do with the pain it gives. I can't just go outside and blow it off all the time. So being a typical male, I push it down and make like it's all fine with me. God help the one that is near me when I do let go of it all. It won't be pretty. I assure you of that.

Maybe not so for me, but could be the opposite for a few others.

I can't explain this to the one I had grown so close to the summer of 07'. She doesn't understand it. Hell, neither do I most of the time. But, I don't want her to get hurt by my actions either, and I'll be damned if she isn't anyway. Damned if I do and damned if I don't!

Love is meant to be understanding, patient, kind, honest, steadfast, everlasting...forever. I just don't know how to return it when I am like this.....but she has been all these things and so much more.

Enough for now, I am losing my thoughts with all the emotions coming up inside of me.

Well another day or has it been a week or more since I have written? Anyway, here I sit in this hotel room wondering what another day will bring. I am feeling more and more alone for now. I know there are people out there who care and love me, one very special lady, whom I love, comes to mind. I am having a very hard time showing her though because of all the mental and emotional turmoil that is going in me right now.

I know she doesn't fully understand and I have not a clue of how to explain it to her. All I can say is that she is always on my mind and in my heart. I think of her daily in every possible way that a man can. But, at the same time these thoughts of my impending court date, that looms overhead like a dark and dismal cloud, is just around the corner.

I can not shake these thoughts. For if things go wrong, as we all know they sometimes do, I will be going away for a very long time. If I even make it that far.

I do not know what the future holds for me, let alone how I can even begin to plan any type of future. Not at least until my trial is over.

I know I sound like I have been tried and convicted already, but I must be honest and expect the worst. All joking aside I must mentally prepare myself for what is yet to come. I can only hope and pray that things go differently.

Do know this though, regardless of the outcome of my trial, on the day it ends so will she be served with papers. Not my love, but the one who has allowed this to be as it is now. The one who says that she has/had no idea of who to talk to. The one who refuses to stand up and be counted. The one with no backbone. The one who can not even stand up to her own 18 year old daughter.

Dismal and defeated I may sound, but trust me my friends, I will not be told to be quiet, put in a corner, cast aside like some used rag but heard all through the halls of the courthouse should the jury see me guilty of things I have not done. And very truthfully make me sick at the thoughts of the accusations that have been made.

I just pray and hope that the one woman who believes with her heart and soul in me, understands what this is doing to me on the inside. For I do so love her with all my heart. My last breath will utter her name when my time comes, however, whenever and wherever that may be.

Do I sound like a damn fool? Maybe so, but this is my reality for now.

Well it's Sunday and here I am again, even more lost, confused, alone and not caring.

I want to thank those of you that sent me pm's.

I am not one to ask for help, to tell someone I am not strong enough to get through this alone. I am not one to tell someone I need a hug, or to be held and just feel the warmth, safety and knowing they care. I am not one to say much about my fears, weaknesses, doubts or needs. But I have been trying to do that the past few days with a certain person I love very much.

Albeit, I feel mostly numb inside, lost, out of control and just plain ass down. I have never felt so down in all my life as I do now. It's almost as last year is repeating itself all over again.It now invades my dreams...more like nightmares. I feel myself slipping into a deeper, darker depression than I already was.

It's said a real man doesn't shed tears, well I got news for you buckaroo....this one has the past few days. Guess I'm not much of a "Real Man" then huh? Too bad for that I guess.

My walls, my protective barriers, my blankie, my comfort zone(lol), my level of determination has all gone to the wayside. I don't know how to get it back...I have tried several things. Burying myself in work, yard work, talking, reading, hell even writing here to try and work things out. None of it seems to be working. Even as mush as going back to Church again. I have tried screaming at the top of my lungs just to have the dogs look at me like I have lost my ever lovin' mind. Well, nothing new there I guess.

Ladies cover your eyes...I fell absolutely "F*****d" right now.

Years past I never would have dreamed I would feel this way, let alone let someone put me in this position. I would have rather to die first...well guess what....I have and now I am going to pay a dear price for it if things go badly in October.

As each minute, hour, day and week passes I feel like I am losing more and more of myself to all of this. I started counseling last year for a time, right up until the counselor asked if I wanted any "Happy" pills. Outside of the colorful metaphors I used, I basically said no. I think I hurt her feelings, but guess what..at that time I didn't care...

Oh well, another person to get in the line marked..."Hate him"

Well guess enough rambling for now.

May you all know peace...the one thing that has eluded me for a very long time....later